영계 걷기: 얼어붙은 순간들

한때 나는 학자로서 영계를 연구했다. 어린아이가 쥐나 개구리를 해부하듯 영계를 뜯어보려 했다. 그 시절 나는 젊었고, 영계를 정복함으로써 얻을 힘을 갈망했다. 영계의 길을 지도로 기록하려는 계획이 실패한 뒤, 이번에는 그것을 고정하기 위해 시도했다. 오만하게도 나는 영계가 가진 성질에 대항하려 했다. 하지만 어찌 꿈을 고정할 수 있겠는가? 어찌 생각을 조종해 개념의 착상에서부터 완성까지, 항상 같은 사고의 흐름을 유지할 수 있겠는가?

내가 나의 미욱함을 깨닫고 욕망을 버렸을 때, 비로소 영계가 열렸다. 영이 스스로 찾아와 길잡이가 되어 주었고, 어둠 속의 등불이 되어주었다. 그들의 명에 따라 오솔길은 고요해졌고, 나는 그곳을 몇 번이고 걸을 수 있었다. 그곳에서 나는 바닷물이 아닌, 꿈을 꾸는 사람들의 마음에서 끌어낸 기억으로 가득 찬 광대한 바다를 보았다. 그리고 세세한 부분에 이르기까지 마치 그림처럼 완벽하게 정지한 순간의 광경을 보았다. 내가 이 비현실적인 곳을 탐험하는 동안, 영들은 어두운 존재들을 막아 주었다. 나는 그들을 신뢰하는 걸 넘어 사랑하게 되었고, 그들 속에 나 자신의 사랑이 반영되는 것을 보았다.

영계를 알기 위해서는 그것을 정복하려 들어서는 안 된다. 영계는 주인이며, 스승이다. 우리는 그 제자에 지나지 않는다.

—일부 사람에게는 "영계에 물든 칼리스투스"로 알려진, 타레뷘의 매지스터 칼리스투스가 쓴 글 중에서

 

I once studied the Fade as a scholar, dissecting it, as a child might a rat or a frog. I was young and craved the power conquering the Fade could bring. I tried in vain to chart its paths, and when that failed, I attempted to secure them. In my arrogance, I struggled against the Fade's very nature. How does one pin down a dream? How can one control a thought so that it might travel always the same course from conception to completion?

 

Only when I let go of my desires and humbled myself was the Fade opened to me. The spirits came and took it upon themselves to be my guides, my lanterns in the darkness. At their command, the paths grew still, and I could walk them again and again. I was shown vast oceans, containing not water, but memories, drawn from the minds of dreamers. I drifted through frozen moments, like paintings, perfect in each detail. As I explored this impossible realm, the spirits kept darker things at bay. I came to trust them, even love them, and I saw my own love reflected in them.

 

To know the Fade, one cannot seek to master it. The Fade is the master, the teacher. We are merely apprentices.

 

—Writings of Magister Callistus of Taraevyn, known to some as "Callistus the Fade-Touched"